Saturday, March 5, 2011

CONTEMPLATION

The sky is gray and dreary. Heavy laden clouds shift shapes as they meander slowly across the sky. The breeze whips my hair around my head. And my loose clothing billows around my body. Aside from the wind everything is still. Even the street below is strangely quiet devoid of traffic, foot or motorized.

Unrelated thoughts weave, intersect, and overlap through my disturbed mind. A migraine begins its dull march from my temples behind my eyes. Panic washes over me. I take deep breaths until the anxiety passes.

A baby sits on a field of grass. Wondering wordlessly at the expanse. A hand grabs for the verdant blades. Once successful the hand tries unsuccessfully to stick the cool things in her mouth. Despite knowing nothing of hands nor mouths.

I am a daydreaming teen. Organizing a fantastic life filled with pouty faced magazine covers and runways. The twins fame and fortune are mine. Exotic travels, a peacock array of equally exotic men,  penthouses, limos, champagne wishes and caviar dreams is how I roll.

There once was a sense of adventure. Let's ride this out to see how it all ends. It has to be better. Master of my own destiny and all that. Do the work and it all falls into place. The world is my oyster... yeah.
Then every slight, every disappointment, every failure is clear and fresh as if it were a new occurrence. The strength of memories cause my knees to buckle. I struggle to maintain my balance.

I question was it worth it? The loneliness? The lack? No joy? No contentment? Insensible to time passing or the temperature dropping I turn these questions over and over in my mind. I evaluate each thought and memory as it takes shape. I take my time. I want to answer honestly. WAS IT WORTH IT?

Once again I take long deep breaths to calm my nerves. Inhale. E x h a l e. I N H A L E. E x h a l e. Then I take the final step over the rail and off the building. My pure virgin white clothing floats gently like a full body parachute. Briefly I am peacefully flying. Until the wind picks up speed and gravity pulls me into her embrace.

3 comments:

  1. Even though this has a sad ending, the delivery was whimsical and poetic. I'm left wondering about this person and what great thing would have happened had they not stepped off the rail...

    http://lyricfire.typepad.com/lyric-fire/2011/08/lyric-fire-look-at-my-fabulous-life-episode-3-home-alone-with-vanessa-stone.html

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read this with trepidation because I thought it might make me cry in my memories of death we have experienced with a close love one. Even though it initially made me feel sad that so many people including children, contemplate suicide as a way to stop or end an unhappy or tormented mental existence. This gave me insight of what people are possibly thinking as they make this life- crushing decision. Even though it is your life, it is so much more valuable to others than it sometimes seem to you. I did love the approach of this, to such an unknown event, that happens so often to us humans!

    ReplyDelete

I welcome honest intelligent dialog. Comments containing inappropriate language or content will be deleted.